Near where I lived at the time I wrote this (2002), there’s an opportunity shop called St Margaret’s Church Shop. Every time I saw the name, bits of dialog like the following started running through my head – in the voices of the Pythons, especially John Cleese. Obviously deeply significant…
Scene: St Margaret’s Church Shop. Assistant is behind
counter.
Bell rings. Enter Customer. Looks around nervously.
| Assistant | Can I help you, sir? |
| Customer | Oh – ah – yes. I’m looking for a church. Are you St Margaret? |
| Assistant | No, sir, I’m her assistant. She has the day off on Thursdays. What were you looking for exactly? |
| Customer | Well, I don’t know. What have you got? |
| Assistant | Is it for yourself, sir, or as a gift? |
| Customer | Oh, for myself. |
| Assistant | Yes, most people wouldn’t take one as a gift. Well then, the Anglican here is one of our most popular models. Classic styling – been around a long time. Very flexible, wide range of styles – a wide variety of people like it, and they often find it very comfortable. |
| Customer | Well – it’s a little fancier than I – |
| Assistant | Oh, you’d prefer something simpler? How about the Evangelical? Enjoyed wide popularity most of the last century. Very durable, hard-wearing, no-frills kind of church. Were you thinking denominational or non-denominational? |
| Customer | Oh, I don’t really mind. |
| Assistant | Well, the Baptist is a popular model. Straight, conservative, a very respectable brand of church. |
| Customer | Well, perhaps that’s a bit too… |
| Assistant | Oh, were you looking for something a little more adventurous? |
| Customer | Well – yes. I mean, not to excess, of course, but… |
| Assistant | I quite understand. More recently they’ve started making the Baptist model in Charismatic. Would that interest you at all? |
| Customer | Hmmmm. I have heard that the Charismatic is a little – well – unstable. |
| Assistant | Yes, I have to admit that they have been known to split occasionally, but of course our warranty would cover that – and really, they’re making them much better these days. Really reduced the number of defects. Oh, except for the ones with the Toronto Blessing option, of course. I wouldn’t say this to everyone, but you clearly like a more conservative church, and the TBs are – well, they just haven’t got the design right yet. |
| Customer | Yes, I’d heard that. |
| Assistant | Or there’s this new line. Just coming into fashion. The Post-Evangelical. Not everybody’s church, but for those who are starting to find the Charismatic a bit dated – after all, it was originally a 1970s design… |
| Customer | What features does that one have? |
| Assistant | They’re still trying out various ones – it hasn’t settled down yet. Liturgy – do you like liturgy? |
| Customer | Weeell… |
| Assistant | They don’t all have liturgy. They mostly have the arts, though. |
| Customer | I can’t say I really… |
| Assistant | And then there’s spirituality. A sense of exploration and journeying. Questioning, without necessarily seeking after definite answers. Living life in a permanent state of uncertainty… |
| Customer | I don’t think I should like that at all. |
| Assistant | No, no. I daresay you wouldn’t. So, where did we get to? |
| Customer | You were showing me the Charismatic. |
| Assistant | Oh, yes, the Charismatic. Really very mainstream now, you know. Don’t be put off by its resemblance to the Pentecostal. |
| Customer | Oh, I know better than that. |
| Assistant | Good. Though the Pentecostal is becoming very mainstream too, and if you wanted to look at a few I’ve got some out the back… |
| Customer | No, no, don’t bother. I’ll take this one. |
| Assistant | Thank you, sir. Cash or charge? |
| Customer | Oh, charge, please. |
| Assistant | There you are, sir. Have a good eternity. |
| Customer | You too. |
Exit Customer.
Mike Reeves-McMillan lives in Auckland, New Zealand, the setting of his Auckland Allies contemporary urban fantasy series; and also in his head, where the weather is more reliable, and there are a lot more wizards. He also writes the Gryphon Clerks series (steampunk/magepunk), the Hand of the Trickster series (sword-and-sorcery heist capers), and short stories which have appeared in venues such as Compelling Science Fiction and Cosmic Roots and Eldritch Shores.
